There are two specific times during a child’s life when parents feel particularly lost as to how to deal with their kids; during the “terrible twos” and then again when their angelic child turns 13 and becomes rebellious and angst-ridden.

However, there is no reason for Mum and Dad to feel that they have lost control, when a few simple steps can help keep their relationship with their teen on track. Even when things are at their worst – with the child staying out late, experimenting with drink and drugs and getting into trouble in an out of school – as long as parents remember six key tips, there is no reason to fear that a typical teen will end up a rebellious and out-of-control adult.

Understanding is vital, and must work both ways in order for the relationship to stay strong. It is difficult for parents to remember what it was like when they were children; and even is they can, Mum and Dad just want to protect their teen from making the same mistakes they made! Being understanding and empathetic without prying will help your teen feel more comfortable in their own skin, without having their insecurities pointed out to them by the two people who should be protecting them.

Secondly, teens need their own space – both physically and emotionally. If possible they shouldn’t be sharing a room with a younger or older sibling at this difficult time and the last thing they want is a Mum or Dad who is constantly asking them if they are OK or if they want to talk – even if the intentions are kind.

It can be difficult for parents to trust their teenagers, especially if they have already given them a reason not to. The important thing is to forgive and forget; everyone makes mistakes and punishing a teen for being a teen is only going to make them resent you, even if your actions were designed to protect them from themselves.

Even if your child has given you no reason to trust them, allowing them some freedom is a great way to show that you believe in them even if they feel the rest of the world is against them. Parents and kids have struggled to communicate with each other for generations and parents need to accept that their children are going to stop confiding in them at some point and turn to their friends for support. Be patient; once those difficult teenage years are over, you will get your chatty and confident child back.

Teenagers will often resent any attempts by their parents to get involved in their lives, but Mum and Dad should try and make an effort to at least find out more about their child’s interests; listen to the music they like, offer to take them shopping or drive them to places where they like to hang out.

They might never actually say thank you, but they will be grateful one day. Taking an interest in their interests and hobbies has the added benefit of making sure that you know the places they are hanging out and who their friends are; a major area of concern for most teenagers’ parents. 

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Child Kitchen Role Play

However, this is not always possible (too dangerous) or practical (time/mess considerations). It is therefore important to help children understand adult behaviour and activities in a safe, age-appropriate way and role-play is one of the most powerful ways of achieving this. Role-play toys provide a wonderful opportunity for children to model their carer’s behaviour with props that are appropriate for children (safe, smaller, lighter, and sometimes with exaggerated or simplified features) of various ages and abilities.

There is a place for all types of toys, but in contrast to highly prescriptive products (those with rules or instructions), toys that act as props for a child’s own game help develop creativity and imagination. Toys that encourage role-play also develop communication and social skills if playing with friends or siblings. Children have to follow rules a lot so, when possible, it is wonderful for them to be able to create their own play. Even more benefit is gained if children are playing together or with an adult. Parents can learn a great deal about their child by getting down to their level and allowing their child to dictate the game.

It seems that parenting has become a real minefield. The more we understand, the more pressure there is to ‘do the right thing’ for your children. Food and health is an area of particular stress for parents today. The well-documented rise in child-hood obesity has been linked to a number of factors including sedentary lifestyles and fast food. On the other hand, anorexia is also a growing problem and seems to be affecting children at younger and younger ages. It is a minefield for parents trying to help their children grow into healthy teenagers and adults.

Children will copy their carer’s approach to cooking. Role-play with toy food, play kitchens and utensils will facilitate discussion about food and increase children’s understanding of the importance of a balanced diet. Even very young children can pretend to cut with play knives and prepare pieces of play food. By doing this they can explore their food and develop a healthy, balanced attitude towards nutrition.

The same is true of most adult activities. Children’s development is driven by the fact that young children always want to seem more grown up than they are. By enabling them to feel grown up by modelling everyday adult behaviours (cleaning, laundry, shopping, DIY, looking after the children etc) parents are validating their children and bonding with them. Role-play toys that encourage these activities are incredibly valuable and should not be overlooked in favour of the latest high-tech toys. Many of the life skills that children need to develop in order to live successfully as an independent adult are not taught at school so as well as bonding with their children, increasing imagination and communication skills, parents who facilitate role play are helping them to learn skills that will benefit them in later life.

Five Top Tips to encourage positive Role-Play

1. Make it relevant to an activity that you’re doing or have done recently.

2. Help your child if he/she is stuck for ideas at the start but then stand back and let them direct the play. Be willing to take directions about the role-play without trying to change them or suggest your own ideas.

3. Be enthusiastic about your child’s ideas and praise them for their imagination.

4. Ask open-ended questions to encourage the progression of play – (e.g. ‘what shall we do with this baking tray?’ rather than ‘shall I put the baking tray in the oven?’).

5. Be creative with equipment – a saucepan doesn’t have to only be used as a saucepan, it can be a helmet or a drum or anything else that a child wants it to be.

All items featured in this piece, plus many more suitable for role-play, are available at www.whywoodworks.co.uk.

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A survey of 1,600 mums conducted by BabyCentre, the UK’s no. 1 parenting website, found that 39% of mums have never had a day off from their children and nearly half of those who have, said “it’s a guilty pleasure”.

Half of the mums said that they would think and worry about their children if they weren’t with them and 66% would spend their free time doing the housework or family chores rather than relaxing.

The biggest reason for having no me-time is due to lack of childcare, said 42% of those surveyed.

“As a mum, time to yourself is the greatest luxury of all. It’s interesting to see that 70% of mums think they’d be a better parent by getting some ‘me time’. I hope dads out there are taking note.” (Sasha Miller, Editor of BabyCentre).

Single mum, Sarah, said “If someone wanted to give me a treat, my favourite would be a day where I can bathe in peace, go to the loo alone, not watch Lazytown or spend two hours shivering by the swings.”

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Parent expert and author, Sue Atkins, is calling for parents going down the divorce route to present a united front and work together when it comes to helping their children through this major life change. The time for fighting is over.

“Parents often feel overwhelmed, confused and resentful, and panic about how they are going to handle changes in their family’s way of life,” says Sue Atkins. “These feelings can manifest as animosity which then turns the divorce process into a battle trapping the children in the middle.” Parents need to realise that they can make positive choices during the emotional time of a divorce. Sue Atkins has some practical and effective advice to make the transition less painful for everyone:

1. What do your children need from you both? – think about the way you want to handle their insecurity & their need to express feelings. You will need to consider their need for security and reassurance that you will both still be their parents and both be there to love, support, nurture and guide them.

2. How will you tell them you are getting a divorce? – you will need to weigh up whether you tell each child on their own, together, or as a combination. You need to make a joint decision as to what is best for each of your children and for you as their parents. By both of you telling them together they will see that you are not blaming each other and that there is no need for them to take sides.

3. How will you answer their questions? – likely questions that will be asked are: “Will we still see you and spend time with you?” “Who will take us to football?” “Who will we live with and where?” “Will we still see Nana and Grandad?” You may not know all the answers just yet but you will need to reassure them that you will have more clarity and answers soon and that they do not need to worry.

4. Manage your emotions – if you see divorce as a negative, painful and angry time – it will be. If you see it as a major life crisis that can be handled with dignity in a positive way and is a step towards a new life with new opportunities – it will be. Your children will feel more secure if you appear calm and in control. You will inevitably want to cry, rant and vent your frustrations, just don’t do it in front of your children. You are a role model and how you handle this major event is a blueprint for how they will handle stressful situations in their lives.

5. Give them reassurances and guarantees – each write seven reassurances and guarantees that you can honestly give to your children. These are things that will help your child cope with the enormous changes that are ahead. Be honest. Don’t give false promises as you will destroy their confidence.

“Above all, work together. You may not have been a united front whilst married, but you must take this opportunity to work together for the good of your children,” says Sue Atkins. “Remember: divorce changes but does not end a family. Your children are now members of two families.”

Sue Atkins’ is a parent coach and her company is Positive Parents = Confident Kids (www.positive-parents.com).  Sue is a former Deputy Head with 22 years teaching experience and is an NLP Master Practitioner and Trainer.

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